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More Quotes
Andy Canfield
Information Management Systems

More Quotes

"Here I sit, broken hearted. Came to shit, but only farted." - found in toilet stalls in California

"Some come here to sit and think. Some come here to shit and stink. I come here to scratch my balls, and read the writing on the walls." - also found in toilet stalls in California

If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
- Mark Twain

Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.

"A book is less important for what it says than for what it makes you think."
- Louis L'Amour

"Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star."
- W. Clement Stone

In Thailand there are two rules for pedestrians:
#1: You can walk anywhere you want to, any time you want to.
#2: If you get hit it's your own fault.

"They all sell it. Some sell it for ten dollars. Some sell it for a house and a car and a swimming pool and two children and a lifetime contact."
- Andy Canfield

Prisons are built on law;
brothels are built on love.

"Andy, you are a male human being. You were born to make a damned fool of yourself."

When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife.
- Oscar Wilde

"A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on."
- Carl Sandburg

"If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner."
- Tallulah Bankhead

"A man is basically faithful - to whatever woman is standing in front of him right now."
- Grace Tani

"A woman is basically faithful - to her children, and to whatever man is paying for them right now.
(And sometimes not even then.)"
- Andy Canfield, Grace Tani's former husband

"Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government"
- J. P. Morgan

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
- Benjamin Franklin
But I haven't paid taxes for twenty years, and the doctor says I'm still alive,

"He had a European style - Roman hands and Russian fingers."
- Grace Tani

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.
- Helen Rowland

"Turn the other cheek."
- Jesus
So I did, and she hit me again.

By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

Eat drink and be merry! Tommorrow you may be in Utah.

Share your towel.
Oil your neighbor.
Remember her name.
- A T-shirt in Khonkaen, Thailand

You can't be first,
but you can be next.
- A T-shirt in Banphai, Thailand worn by a very sexy young lady.

Marriage is the foundation of society; therefore society outlaws anything that tastes better than sex.

Bangkok Chess: White to play and mate in one - or two, or three, or more.

When the bitch gets bad, the guy gets gone.

“A society with a greedy generation," that doesn’t want to surround itself with children, that considers them above all worrisome, a weight, a risk, is a depressed society, The choice to not have children is selfish. Life rejuvenates and acquires energy when it multiplies: It is enriched, not impoverished.
You love your child because he is a child, not because he is beautiful, healthy, and good; not because he thinks like me, or embodies my desires. A child is a child: a life created by us but destined for him."
- Pope Francis

It not ony makes good sense, it makes excellent nonsense.

I'd rather abandon my children than murder their mother. And have, several times.

Sometimes I wish I was still dumb enough to get married.

The opposition is not the enemy. The System is the enemy.

"If I'd known computer science was going to be like this, I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star."
- G. Hirst

"For sale. Baby shoes. Never used."
- a six word story by Ernest Hemmingway

"Longed for him. Got him. Shit."
- A six word story by Margaret Atwood

"Computer, did we bring batteries? Computer?"
- A six word story by Eileen Gunn

"Attaching the word marriage to the association of same-sex individuals mistakenly presumes that marriage is principally a matter of adult benefits and adult rights. In fact, marriage is principally about the nurturing and development of children. And the successful development of children is critical to the preservation and success of our nation."
- Mitt Romney, quoted on Wikipedia

So if we use birth control we don't need to be married?
- Andy asks Mitt Romney

I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today.
- William Allen White

When in doubt, do it. It's much easier to apologize than to get permission.
- Grace Murray Hopper

If at first you don't succeed, redefine "success".

My children will eat your children.

A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never does.

"The biggest enemies of freedom are happy slaves.“
- Simon Phipps

The woman you buy takes a great deal of money. The woman who gives herself to you takes all your money.
- Balzac (paraphrased)

"Life only demands from you the strength you possess. Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away."
- Dag Hammarskjold

Intercangeable parts won't, unbreakable parts will.

Q: How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Two, one male and one female, but it's kind of crowded in there.

Q: How many Harvard MBAs does it take to screw in a light bulb>? A: One; he grasps the bulb firmly, and the world revolves around him.

"That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers."
- Charles Chincholles

"We don't want anyone from management to come in and interfere"
- Tim Chung

"Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed."
- Neil Armstrong

"A government big enough to give you everything you want is strong enough to take everything you have."
- Thomas Jefferson

A mystic is someone who wants to understand the universe, but is too lazy to study physics.

A watched clock never boils.

I sent her down to the store to buy me a razor blade and by the time she got back I had grown a beard.

On Judgement Day the good people will go to Heaven and the bad people will go to Hell and Heather will still be in the bathroom doing her hair.
- Heather's father

"Tunstall was certainly a religious moderate, by the standards of the age, in that he just burned books, rather than people."
- Alister McGrath

Hatred, in the course of time, kills the unhappy wretch who delights in nursing it in his bosom.
- Giacomo Casanova

"The strong lived off the weak, and the clever lived off the strong."
- ? Boyd Rice ?

You should try anything once. I suggest suicide.

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers'"
- Homer Simpson

If it works, you're a hero. If it doesn't work, now you've got two problems.

All gods were immortal.
- Stanislaw Lem

A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.

Good women go to Heaven; bad women go everywhere.

There was a little girl
Who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
She was very very good,
But when she was bad, she was FANTASTIC!

"We want to make it absolutely clear that this is not a crisis of mismanagement. This is simply a crisis of dollars — a crisis of not having enough dollars coming our way."
- CEO Steve Ballmer on Microsoft's request for 20 billion dollars in government bailout funds.

There are no facts, only interpretations.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

" "
- Harpo Marx

One lone amateur built the Ark; A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

The answers remain eternally the same; the questions change constantly.

"It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; What is essential is invisible to the eye."
- Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

"Better the anger of a friend than the kiss of an enemy."
- King Solomon

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker would destroy civilization.

"The important thing about security systems isn't how they work, it's how they fail."
- Cory Doctorow

"I can't go underground for a year, ten years, my whole life, waiting for freedom to be handed to me. Freedom is something you have to take for yourself."
- M1k3y, in Cory Doctorow's "Little Brother"

They give privileges, they give options, they give rights, but they never, ever, give POWER. Power has to be seized.
- Andy Canfield, U.C. Berkeley, 1967

Discovery is Creation, and Creation is Discovery.

"The difference between theory and practice is smaller in theory than it is in practice."

There are those who desire liberty, there are those who desire comfort; I am in the first group.

"I'd rather walk through Hell under my own power than be carried into Heaven."
- Andy Canfield

"I would rather face tomorrow than hide in yesterday."
- Andy Canfield

There is that we know to be true, and that we know to be false; in between is life.

“In Heaven, all the interesting people are missing.”
- Friedrich Nietzsche

"Love yourself, and everything will love you back."
- Jim Harlindong

"If you can't do it well, enjoy doing it badly"
- Kemsley, in "Ginger Meggs"

"Apartments are designed by people who live in houses."

The human race is a race of fools; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner."
-- Andy Canfield, with apologies to Mark Twain, who said 'cowards'.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you, because someday they will.

"The reason prophets are so rarely honored in their own country is that their role is to transcend the limits of their contemporaries' experience and imagination. They achieve recognition only when their vision has been turned into experience - in short, when it is too late to benefit from their foresight."
- Henry Kissinger in "Diplomacy"

I have good news and bad news. The good news is that I'm stupid. The bad news is - wait a second, hold on...

Eight-seven percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

"To live outside the law you must be honest."
- Bob Dylan in "Where Are You Tonight, Sweet Marie?"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding along a valley. Suddenly, on the ridge to their left, there stood a hundred indian warriers in full war paint. Suddenly, another hundred appears on their right, and two hundred in front of them, and five hundred behind them. The Lone Ranger said "Tonto, we're in trouble." Tonto replied: "What you mean 'we', white boy?"

Everything I will ever think is infinitely less than what I am.

Look upon the face of your friend, for she is greater than all the books ever written.

"I can see an occasional piece of ass, but this playing at being married has got to stop!"
- Helen Canfield. I was in bed with Yvonne and my mother caught us talking.

"Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. Life is the other way around."
- David Lodge

"It don't take money - it takes guts"
- Leonard Canfield, upon being asked how he could afford to buy a travel trailer.

"Don't let your feet stand there and let your head get bashed in."
- Leonard Canfield, on fighting

"They're all alike upside down."
- Leonard Canfield, on women. (Actually, they're not all alike upside down, but I've done more research than he did.)

Cock and cunt will come together, though Hell would bar the way.

All women are beautiful when the lights are out.

I never went to bed with an ugly woman, but I woke up next to one a few times.

It ain't perfect, but each of us takes what love we can get.

"Any girl can be glamorous - all you have to do is stand still and look stupid."
- Hedy Lamarr

No man is an island, but all women are beaches.

"You pays your money and takes your choice."
- Leonard Canfield

"Not dead on the bed"
- what Bangkok hookers say about an old geezer that can still get it up.

"My lady had the body of a siren, the face of a goddess, and the mind of an Armenian camel dealer."
- Louis L'Amour.

So you've been screwing my wife? How much do I owe you?

"When corruption is visited upon the cities of men, the mountains and the deserts await him. The cities are for money but the high-up hills are purely for the soul."
- Louis L'Amour

"People are more opposed to fur than leather because rich ladies are easier to harass than bikers."
- unknown source

"People are more opposed to fur than leather because the right to life is determined by how cute you are, and cows are ugly."
- Andy Canfield

"When you were young, you dressed yourself, and walked wherever you wished: but when you are old, you will stretch out your hands, and others will dress you, and take you places you don't want to go."
- John 21:18 in The Bible

When you are young you leave your family; when you are old your family leaves you.

"Nobody gives a crap if we're great musicians."
- Frank Zappa of the rock band The Mothers

"Who ever heard of a revolution of fat men?"
- Louis L'Amour.

Which weighs more - a ton of steel in Boston or a ton of steel in Bangkok?

"Against stupidity the gods themselves strive in vain."

"It's what people know about themselves inside that makes them afraid."
- Clint Eastwood in High Plains Drifter

When rich people complained to the Buddha that the poor people were stealing from them, he replied "If you weren't so greedy you couldn't pay them to haul it away."

"If you were not greedy for exorbitant wealth, no one would commit burglary even if they got rewarded to do so."
- The Analects of Confucius, Section 12, paragraph 18, Sinolingua translation, Beijing, P.R.C., 1994.

A man asserts predestination to escape his own guilt, then asserts free will to inflict guilt on others.

"We have a name for things that don't copy themselves: dead."
- Cory Doctorow

- T-shirt

"Ninety percent of anything is crap."

Human beings will learn how to live in space by destroying the Earth. That is the tuition for the education.

"There's rice in the fields and fish in the canal; so what do you have to worry about?"
- one of the Thai kings.

"If you don't read the newspaper, you're ignorant. If you believe what you read in the newspaper, you're stupid."
- one of the Thai kings

"Were we directed from Washington when to sow and when to reap, we should soon want bread."
- Thomas Jefferson

He is full of shit in eight languages.

He who demands respect does not deserve it.

"Never climb stairs behind a man who farts."
- Heather Canfield

Which weighs more - a ton of steel in Boston or a ton of steel in Bangkok? A ton of steel in Bangkok is a metric ton, weighs 1000 kilograms or about 2,200 pounds. The ton of steel in Boston is an archaic ton which weighs only 2,000 pounds. So the ton of steel in Bangkok weighs more.

"The reliance on Property, including the reliance on governments which protect it, is the [absence] of self-reliance."
- Ralph Walto Emerson, SELF RELIANCE

"Whoso would be a man must be a nonconformist."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson, SELF RELIANCE

"Nothing is at last sacred but the integrity of your own mind."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson, SELF RELIANCE

"Delusion gives you more happiness than truth gives to me. For injuries ought to be done all at one time, so that, being tasted less, they offend less; benefits ought to be given little by little, so that the flavour of them may last longer."
- Nicolo Machiavelli, THE PRINCE

"Men ought either to be well treated, or crushed."
- Nicolo Machiavelli

The lab called; your brain is ready.
- Heather Canfield

I don't use birth control, but I'm glad you do.

Never see evil where stupidity will explain.

Ugly prevents AIDS; nothing prevents ugly.

"What do you mean, 'Gone'?"
- Viquar Ul Quader Arfat, when a nearby computer user said "All of my data is gone!"

"He who is not with me is against me."
- Jesus (The Bible, Matthew 12:30)
"He who is not against us is for us."
- Jesus (The Bible, Mark 9:40)

"Society in every state is a blessing, but government even in its best state is but a necessary evil; in its worst state an intolerable one."
- Thomas Paine

"I'm not arguing - I'm dancing."
- Grace Canfield

"Hooray for beans, the musical fruit!
The more you eat, the more you toot.
The more you toot, the better you feel.
So let's have beans for every meal!"
- Grace Canfield

"Time makes more converts than reason."
- Thomas Paine.

Fasten your seat belt; I want to try something.

"Chaos reigns within;
reflect, repent, and reboot;
order shall return."
- computer error message by Suzie Wagner

Money was invented so that hookers could get paid.

When guns are outlawed only outlaws (and the government) will have guns.

"The state is the coldest of all cold monsters. Coldly it lies, too; and this lie creeps from its mouth: 'I, the state, am the people.'"
- Friedrich Nietzsche

This is the great lie of the news media: 'I am the public'"
- Andy Canfield

The only real prison is fear, and the only real freedom is freedom from fear.
- Aung San Suu Kyi

The true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he wants woman, as the most dangerous plaything."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

A mercenary soldier steals, robs, rapes, and murders. What's the difference between a mercenary soldier and a lawyer? The lawyer is proud of it.

"Marriage makes an end of many brief follies with one long stupidity."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

One repays a teacher badly if one remains only a pupil."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

"'Punishment' is what revenge calls itself: it feigns a good conscience for itself with a lie."
- Friedrich Nietzsche

The aim of any social activist is power over others

"Dogma is invariably wrong, as knowledge is always in a state of transition."
- Louis L'Amour

I may not be playing with a full deck, but at least it's MY deck.

It's never too late to have a happy childhood.

We had group sex: just me, her, and her telephone.

There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

If we drove the way we compute you'd have to buy a new car every time they built a new highway.

The beatings will continue until morale improves.

"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't."
- Erica Jong

"Feed my sheep."
- Jesus

'Feed my sheep.', he says. And who are the sheep? Anyone who is hungry.

"I remember how but I can't remember why"
- George Burns

I can't stand people who are intolerant.

"The death of one person is tragedy, but the death of one million is only a statistic."
- Joseph Stalin.

"You point your finger at the moon, the fool stares at your finger."
- Chinese proverb.

"Today you may no longer be the same person that God said "no" to yesterday."
- Rabbi Shraga Simmons

An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth will make the whole world blind and toothless.

I have good news and bad news. The good news is: God loves you. The bad news is: She's horny.

"If you were taught that elves caused rain, every time it rained, you'd see the proof of elves."
- Ariex

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
- Rod Stewart.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.

Millions long for immortality who don't know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
- Susan Ertz

"We now return our souls to the creator, as we stand on the edge of eternal darkness. Let our chant fill the void in order that others may know. In the land of the night the ship of the sun is drawn by the grateful dead."
- The Book Of Emerging Forth Into The Light (A.K.A. the Egyptian book of the dad)

"Our Heavenly Father told me 'Shut up'."
- My friend Danee. Good advice any time.

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.