In May of 2012 I was in Vientiane on a visa run.

Wednesday morning I applied for a visa to Thailand. Later that day I shopped for things for my son Wing. Then it started to rain. I grabbed some food and spend the day in my room, eating and sleeping.

Early evening I rode my bicycle to Alexia Bar. It was still drizzling, but not too bad. Alexia is where foreigners hang out, and a few Lao ladies, obviously hookers, can be found there.

When I arrived at Alexia, there was almost no one there. No foreigners, and only two ladies. The waiter motioned for me to sit with the ladies.

I immediately noticed that they had nothing to drink, so I bought them both drinks. Then we got to talking. The younger one was chubby, a stock standard Lao hooker bored out of her mind and boring to me too.

The elder lady was very interesting. She could not speak any language. She has some kind of defect. Maybe she's deaf-mute. Every word that comes out of her mouth sounds like "Uh! Uh! Er! Oh!". Just a series of loud syllables that don't mean anything.

I tried to get her to write down her name but she could not or would not; there's a good chance she has never learned Lao. I asked the waiter what her name was, and he asked her friend. The answers that came back seemd to be perhaps "See" (the Lao word for "Four") or perhaps "We don't know" (which is unbelievable because she seems to be sharing an apartment with the other gal.) The Thai word for "Name" is "Chew" (pronounced "Sue" in Lao) and maybe her name was "Four" so I use the name "Sue-see" to refer to her. Not "Suzie" with a "Z", but "Sue-see" with an "S".

I did extract the information that Sue-see has had four children. From the pattern of wrinkles I observed that night I tink she is in her early forties.

I was very curious what it would be like to spend the night with a lady who could not talk. So when the drinks were finished Sue-see came back to my room with me.

Sue-see seems to have a reasonable amount of desire to communicate. But no small talk; she doesn't talk talk talk. Her friend at the bar seemd to understand her much better than I did; I think they can talk somewhat in sign language. The first thing Sue-see did was to turn on the TV in my room. But thank God she couldn't get it to work, and turned it off.

I had alredy decided about money. Sue-see pulled out her mobile phone and typed the number "500" on it and showed it to me. As I had planned I gave her 100 baht for the taxi later and 1000 baht also. I like to do that; she's already got the money she wants, she can hang around if she wants to or run away when she wants to. I don't want the lady to stay because she's waiting for the cash.

First a bath together, then climb into bed and try to fuck. I could not. I can not fuck any women who does not want me, and Sue-see was just here on business. So we hugged, and lay there, and I rubbed her nice parts, but nothing got a rise out of my little friend down there.

Finally Sue-see asked about leaving. It took quite a while to get the question and the answer across the communications gap. She got up and put on all her clothes and I waved good-bye. Just before she opened the door, she impulsively ran back to me and jumped into my bed. She curled up in front of me like two spoons. That was sweet. I think that was the moment when business changed to emotion.

After a few minutes she took off her glasses. After a few minutes she took off her shoes. After a few minutes she took off all her clothes, except for her bra. We stayed that way for a long time, shifting occasionally to adjust arms and legs and whatnot. After a long while I felt a change come on in my little friend down there. Lying on my side, her lying on her back, my little buddy found a nice warm place to be and went in. Veni, vidi, vici. Not exactly stallion, I was 63 years old, but I gave her a little present to warm her insides.

She slept with me all night long; stark naked except for the bra. When the dawn came up outside she got dressed. I gave her another 500 baht and she went away. She came back a moment later because she forgot her umbrella. A moment later I realized that she had forgotten her glasses. They are not prescription, but they are hers. So I put on my pants and shirt and shoes and ran out after her. I met her just on the street, heading back to my room for the glasses that she had just remembered. We said a friendly "good-bye" and she turned and walked away and I went back into my room.

Lao women can't fuck worth a damn. I think they are trained by their mothers since babyhood to consider fucking to be something that a man does to a woman. You pick up a Thai lady in Bangkok and take her back to your room and she'll fuck your brains out. You pick up a Lao lady in Vientiane and take her back to your room and it will never enter her mind that she could fuck you. She will just lie there and wait for you to fuck her. They are not just meat, they are dead meat. Sometimes I think that, whenever a Lao girl is born, the midwife surgically cuts the nerve leading from the pussy to the brain.

My first night with a Lao lady was with Bee. She lay on my bed and we did nothing. My second night with a Lao lady was with Fon a year later. She let me get inside, but I came out again without leaving any gift.

A year after Fon, Sue-see was the first Lao lady I ever had an orgasm in. I came inside her. Years of practice, years of experiments, years of trying, and finally I bridged the culture gap. It's not worth it. If you want to get laid in Vientiane, pick up a girl in Nongkhai and bring her with you.