Polygamy

Aw + Andy + ChaliewIn the second half of 2004, and the first half of 2005, I was living with Chaliew in Roiet and Aw in Banphai. I would take the bus back and forth, trying to spend a few days in each town taking care of the lady I had there.

I had two ladies. When I started to get interested in a third lady, Chaliew got really jealous and I threw her out. A year later, Aw had left me and I had taken up with Chaliew again and at the same time found Noi.

In the second half of 2006 and at least the first half of 2007 I find myself living with Chaliew in Roiet and Noi in Banphai. I take the bus back and forth, trying to spend a few days in each town to take care of the lady whom God has entrusted to me.

Yeah, it's a form of polygamy. If you don't like it, if you speak Thai, you can ask the ladies why they stay with me. I figure that half of Andy is better than all of anybody else she knows.

How did it happen? Seems to me natural that a man finds a new lady every once in a while. Western culture demands that he dump the first one before he takes up with the second. But if the culture does not mind, and if the first lady does not mind, then what the heck? I don't have two ladies because I am aquire a new one; I have two ladies because I don't get rid of the old one.

The big question is: how do you keep it going?

The secret is in security, or you could say the secret is insecurity. I have to make special efforts to make sure that each of the two ladies feels secure. Each of them has her own house. Indeed, in my case, each has her own city. Every week I go, but every week I come back. She knows that when the money comes in every month, she'll get some of it. The same amount, every month. Not the same amount to each lady, that is not necessary. But the same amount every month. That way she can count on it. She knows I will return. She knows that I will pay attention to her. I avoid mentioning Chaliew when I'm with Noi; I avoid mentioning Noi when I'm with Chaliew. It's not a secret; sometimes I'm with one and the other will call me. But if I talk about the other one a lot then this one will get nervous and insecure. The feel secure, and that is the important part.

My belief is that, in Western culture, a relationship is based on "I love you and you love me." In Asia, a relationship is based on "I take care of you and you take care of me." I do the best I can taking care of these two ladies, and they seem to find that good enough. Each of them feels that I take care of her; more important, each of them feels that I WILL take care of her. They feel secure. They feel confidant that they won't go hungry next week. Each of them is sure that the other will not steal me from her.

A bit of irony. I would go to Banphai and screw Noi, then I would go to Roiet and screw Chaliew, back and forth, every week. For a while, I tried Chastity; I tried not having sex with either of them. That only lasted eighteen days. it's awfully hard to be chaste when you're sleeping next to a horney lady. But ironically, there was more jealousy. When I was screwing both of them, each knew I was screwing the other and they only got half of my loving. When I was screwing neither of them, each suspected that I was still screwing the other, and each felt she was left out.

Incidentally, in my last years with Grace, in my years with Jen, in my years with Aw, I would get laid about once a week. Now that I have two ladies, and go back and forth every week, I get laid about twice a week. I've gotten to the point where if some new lady comes along, my answer is "Sorry, I don't have any free time." I'm all fucked out, lady. I haven't been horney for nearly a year.

I have heard that many people are opposed to polygamy. But I have found few intellectual enough to explain why. Polygamy was outlawed in the United States so long ago that nobody remembers why. I read one essay on the Internet who effectively argued that Polygamy is incompatable with the Western concept of Romantic Love. Yes, I can see that. It's kind of like having one foot in one swimming pool and another foot in another swimming pool. You can't get very deep in either pool. You can't get in over your head in either pool because you've always got the other foot in the other pool. Romantic Love is about getting in over your head, and that's impossible when you've got two ladies. But the same essay claimed that polygamy was also incopatable with Democracy. His arguments were vague and unbelievable on that point. So if you believe you have logical reasons why polygamy is bad, please contact me by e-mail.

My family includes Aw's mother and father and Aw's two children and the 'loaner' child that also lives there. My family includes Noi. My family includes Chaliew. Right now I am very oriented towards my family, towards these people. Two of them I have sex with, but the sex really makes very little difference. Except, of course, that if I don't get laid I start to go crazy. But other than that, I don't really care whether I screw Noi or not, whether I screw Chaliew or not. I take care of them, I want to take care of them, and sleeping together, sharing sex together, is something they need, part of how I take care of them.

But I won't marry either Chaliew or Noi, partly because to marry one of them would be to reject the other, mainly because neither of them speaks good English. So our relationship is a union of finances and care and bodies, but not of minds. Grace and I were of one mind; Aw and I were similar. But I cannot join my mind with someone who does not speak my language.

To be fair, there are some advantages to polygamy. I get laid a lot more than I used to. If one lady gives me shit, I can get on the bus and go to the other one. If one lady doesn't feel like screwing me, it's OK, she doesn't have to. She knows that I will get laid by the other one in a few days. There is no necessity for sex. I'm not going to prowl the bars just because one of them is not in the mood.

When I started living with Chaliew, and I was still living with Aw, we faced the question of how to refer to Chaliew to the children. In the Thai language you always refer to someone according to their relationship to you. So how should the kids address Chaliew. Aw and Chaliew were not lovers and never had been. They were not spouse; we could not say that Chaliew was Aw's wife. Finally Aw hit upon the concept of "sister". We let the kids know that Chaliew was Aw's new sister. They started calling her "Aunt Chaliew". The kids really like Chaliew. Even today, although Aw has gone off elsewhere, Aw still likes to think of Chaliew as her sister.

And when I think of Aw's new boyfriend, I can think of him as a brother. Steve is my brother, since we've both lived with Jen. As long as you clearly establish who belongs to whom, there is no need for jealousy. Jen belongs to Steve now. Aw belongs to her new boyfriend, the children belong to me. As long as we keep to that agreement, we can be friends. I do nothing to to drive a wedge between her and her new boyfriend, he does nothing to interfere between me and the kids. As long as that lasts, and nothing lasts forever, we can get along.

My recommendation? If you're a virgin, say a virgin as long as you can. Sex is very very addictive, and you'll find yourself hunting someone, anyone, just to get laid. Sex is a glue that keeps a man and a woman together, and it is easy to find yourself glued to someone you don't like. Don't go hunting a husband - hunt for friends. Someday, you will marry one of your friends. It is good to marry a friend; it is bad to marry someone who is not a friend. When you are married you spend very litte time screwing, and lots of time just being around each other. If you marry for sex, you will have a pain in the ass forever. Polygamy is possible, Monogamy is better if you can find the right person.

Regarding polygamy in general, "polygamous marriage" is often used to describe a marriage pattern where the man marries many women just put them to work like cattle. A marriage like this degrades the lady, and degrades him. It is wrong. It is wrong even if you only do it to one woman.

I also do not believe in having a lady and having another lady stashed away in secret somewhere. I have been involved in two polygamous relationships; the first with Aw and Chaliew, the second with Chaliew and Noi. In all cases everyone knew what was going on. I keep polite secrets; once you shut the bedroom door I don't tell people, even the other spouse, what happens. Lying and cheating are not good. Most of us do it, rarely, but it is not good.

And I can certainly sympathize with a lady who thinks she is in lifetime monogamous relationship and then the guy starts wanting someone else. It is better if he does not keep it a secret. But if he wants somebody else (too), it means that there is something seriously wrong in your relationship. Get counselling, or get out. Quickly.

Here is some interesting information that I rarely give out. In the last few years with Grace I used to get laid once a week (Saturday night at 22:50, after her movie was over and my Dr. Who movie had not started yet). Actually, three Saturdays out of four. For most of the time when I lived with Jen I got laid once a week. For most of the time I lived with Aw, I got laid once a week at best, or once every ten days, which was just barely enough. So for about three decades, when I am living with a lady, it settles down to about once a week. Well, now that I have a lady in Banphai and a lady in Roiet, I normally get laid twice a week; once in Banphai and once in Roiet. I haven't been horney in months.

The three patriarchs venerated by the Jews, the Christians, and the Muslims were named Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob had two wives, Lean and Rachael.


Don't bother telling me that your God says polygamy is wrong; my church tells me that often enough. If I don't listen to them, I surely won't listen to you. But if you have any information on the subject, if you have any new perspectives, if you have a link you can recommend, if you have something to contribute, please e-mail me at andycanfield@yandex.com - Thanks.

Good luck to you!