น้อย (Noi)

noiI had been living with Aw and the children and Aw's mother in a shophouse in Banphai. We had lived there for several years. Aw moved to Bangkok to go to back to work in a gogo bar. One or two Saturdays later, Noi showed up. It was pretty obvious that her unspoken words were "Hey, I hear there's an available farang here?"

Well, that afternoon in that living room she gave me a massage. I could tell that she had strong hands, good hands for massage. But she had no training; she didn't know what to do.

She was sexy; very sexy. But I was not about to take her upstairs without knowing more about her. Afterwards I asked a bit and found out that she was living with her husband and their two children. Well, you know the bit about "Thou shalt not commit adultery." So I would not go near her.

Way later I would learn that she was living in a tiny one-room shophouse with her ex-husband (they were legally divorced) and a teen-aged son and a teen-aged daughter. Noi, the mother, slept on one mattress with the son and So, her ex-husband, slept on the other mattress with the daughter. But I didn't know that yet.

When Aw came back to Banphai she wanted Noi to come to work in the bar in Bangkok. Aw's first monthly visit they just talked. Aw's second monthly visit she talked Noi into it.

On a Sunday night in July (2006), I was going to go to Bangkok by bus. I was going down to see Pat. Aw asked me stay over. Sunday night Aw slept with me. We made love. Turned out to be for the last time. It was obvious at that time that Aw was screwing me to keep me away from Pat.

Monday morning the three of us caught the bus together. We sat in the last bank of seats at the back - Aw by the window, me next to Aw in the middle, Noi next to me. Naturally we talked. Noi was going to work at Midnite Bar, where Aw worked. But because of a Thai holiday, Midnite would be closed that night and the next. Aw normally slept upstairs at Midnite, but she had arranged to sleep with a friend that Monday night. Noi would be sleeping upstairs with strangers in a town where she knew nobody. Well, she knew nobody but me. Aw suggested that Noi sleep with me that night. Seemed like a good idea to me. I had the hots for Noi, and clearly she had left her husband. Noi agreed, so she did. We made love, for the first time, the next morning. Then she left.

Tuesday afternoon I sat outside Midnite Bar with Aw and Noi. Aw scolded me for not giving money to Noi after I had sex with her. I had deliberately not given money to Noi before she left me that morning. I said to Aw "Noi is not a prostitute." Aw said that doesn't matter, that I had to give Noi money anyway. So I gave Noi a thousand baht. Then I turned to Aw and gave her a thousand baht and said that it was because I had had sex with Aw Sunday night. I did it deliberately to insult Aw; by forcing me to give money to Noi Aw was treating Noi like a prostitute; by giving money to Aw I treated Aw like a prostitute. Years later Noi reminded me that I had said that: "Noi is not a prostitute." Apparently that meant a lot to Noi. I noticed that Noi is the first lady in over a decade who I had sex with who was not a member of the "Nightly Entertainment Industry".

Pat was around. I didn't mind giving Pat money, I had a lot in those days, but I didn't feel like paying Pat's bar fine. I suggested that, after she got off work, she could come over to my apartment (she had been there before and knew the way). Well, she would not agree to that. But at 3 AM she called and asked if she could come over. Of course! So she showed up and we slept together. The next morning we tried to make love, but after Aw and Noi, the pecker just wasn't up to pecking. Then she left.

That day I took the bus back to Banphai. Chaliew was staying in Banphai that week, waiting for me to get back from Bangkok. I arrived in the middle of the night and of course crawled in bed with Chaliew. Didn't make love to her, didn't even try, but we made love on Saturday morning after my mojo had had a chance to recover.

Sunday night I slept with Aw.
Monday night I slept with Noi.
Tuesday night I slept with Pat.
Wednesday night I slept with Chaliew.
"Toto, we're not in Kansas anymore."

Aw had already slept once or twice with a guy named Robbie, but they were still using a condom, and she was still just a hooker that he liked. Later they lived together as man and woman, no condoms any more. But she pumped me one more time trying to keep me away from Pat. She arranged Noi to go with me to try to keep me away from Pat, or at least to give me an alternative to Pat, or perhaps to empty the pecker before Pat got to it, which is what happened. Aw tends to use sex to control other people; she was using sex to control me. I resented it. Even as we were pumping it Sunday night I would tell that she had an ulterior motive. That is not making love.

Noi had the job of standing outside the bar and saying "You can come inside!" to the farangs walking past. She did not need to dance, she did not need to take her clothes off, she tells me that she never went with a customer. After two or three weeks she got sick of it and moved back to Banphai.

Naturally we ran into each other in Banphai, and continued to do some bumping. She continued to live in chastity with her ex-husband and their two kids. I met the guy, his name is "So", and he's nice.

After a month or so, one Friday evening So called me in for a long talk. Noi was there listening. I could hardly follow his Thai. But near as I could tell, what he told me boiled down to "If you are screwing her, you ought to give her a place to live."

I felt that he was right. So the next morning I rented a second shophouse very very close to my children's shophouse. I paid the landlord to paint the place, clean it up, then awaited developments. Eventually So and Noi asked me about it. Yeah, Noi could sleep there if she wanted to.

They say that Asian people are controlled by shame, whereas Western people are controlled by guilt. This seems to have been an example of it. For a while, Noi would come over and screw, but she would not sleep there. Her explanation was that everyone in the neighborhood would know that she was sleeping there and that we were not married. But pretty soon everyone in the neighborhood knew that she was screwing me, and So talked her in to sleeping with me. She moved in.

A while later, Noi told me that So had thrown the son, Sing, out of the house. Sing had no place to sleep. I never did learn why So threw him out. So I let Sing come sleep in the upstairs back bedroom. When he came I told him "Mother and Father think that you're a child; I think that you're an adult." He loved that; he shook my hand. I told him that I would not charge him rent, but that I would not feed him. He had a job, he could buy his own food and stuff. He was happy to agree. Later we had some squabbles about using the motorcycles and suchlike.

Sing is making the transition from being dependent to being independent, and sometimes he just doesn't get it. For example, his motorcycle was damaged in an accident. Noi instinctively took over to protect him. She negotiated the repair bill. But fortunately she didn't have the money to pay it. At one point Noi and So and I sat down and talked about it. So and I were in perfect agreement. The problem was Sing's problem, not So's, not Andy's, not Noi's. We should not give him the money, we should not loan him the money, we should let him solve the problem himself. There were actually many ways to solve the problem. He eventually borrowed money from where he worked and got the bike fixed. He solved his problem, like an adult. It was interesting to me, because I'd never seen a teen-ager go through this transition before.

By the way, we had a rule that Sing was not allowed to sleep with girls at our shophouse. It's amazing that my parents had the same rule with me! I made the rule, not because he shouldn't have sex, but because sex carries responsibility, like being able to provide the lady with a place to live. Screwing girls in my house is too much like having his candy and getting me to pay for it.


On Saturday September 1, 2007, I was informed by a very reliable source that Noi had a Thai boyfriend. His name is "อ้วน" (Uan), the Thai word for "fat". But he's not fat. He's about 49, younger than me but older than Noi. Dark skin. Short. The information is that she's been messing around with various men in Banphai for a long time; Uan is just the latest.

Naturally, Noi and I had a big squabble. I did NOT throw her out of the shophouse, but I did make her sleep upstairs.

Noi seemed to be having a problem defending herself. Normally there are two defenses to an accusation. One is "I'm innnocent, I did not do it!" The other is "I'm guilty, I'm sorry, I'll never do it again!" Noi said neither. Perhaps it is because she had more than one man that she was been messing around with, and she knew that I know the name of one of them, but she didn't know which one. So she said things like "I love you only!"


On Sunday 4 September 2011 I bought something in 7/11 and paid for it with a 1000 baht note that the Bank had given me. They gave me a 500-baht bill in change, plus some 100's and 20's. I saved the 500 for Noi.

Noi didn't come that afternoon. I decided that if Noi came that day I would give her the bill, but if she came on Monday I would flip a coin and only give her the bill if the coin came up heads. Maybe if she didn't come until Tuesday I would flip two coins and only give her the bill if both coins came up heads.

She phoned about 9pm saying that she had been busy and would come tomorrow. I told her I wanted her to come; NOW, tonight. She resisted but eventually said that she would come.

I put my clothes on (Wing and I were already asleep) and went outside to sit on the step and wait for her. She pulled up and I pulled out the 500-baht bill and gave it to her.

Noi chose to come inside. I closed the screen door and probably threw the bolt by habit. I left the bathroom light on so we could see but left the room light off so that Wing could sleep.

Noi lay down on my bed, crosswise to avoid Wing sleeping there. She started talking, and I lay down next to her. The talk got serious. She was getting emotional. She said she had drunk "two beers". Last year I had accused her of belonging to someone else; that "Noi does not belong to Noi". While talking there Noi claimed to belong to Noi, that the old business was finished. At one point she asked "What heppens if I die?" It seemed to call for an answer like "I will miss you very much" or the like. But I was inspired to say "I guess I'll have to take care of So and Jet." (her disabled ex-husband and her teen-aged daughter). She got all mushy and hugged me and kissed me and told me that she loved me and asked if I loved her.

Well, as you can imagine, one thing let to another and eventually we had our clothes off.

As we started to make love, the solid front door (right next to my head) slammed. Well, maybe we left it open and maybe it was the wind. A moment later I heard the door open. What??????? I looked up, looked through the screen, and there was a man's face. At the time I recognized him as Uan (Uwan?), who may or may not have been Noi's boyfriend in the past. But if it came to a court of law I could not swear that it was Uan, only that the man seemed to have white hair. I was naked, she was naked, he was looking at us. I yelled something like "Get the Hell out of my house!" in English. He disappeared and slammed the door. In my humble opinion he would have come in if the screen door had not been bolted.

Noi got up and I got up and we were very nervous. She put on her clothes and I put on my clothes. We looked out of the window but could see no-one.

I went out and looked around. One of my neightbors, two rooms down, was outside. I asked if he had seen anyone, but he said "No". Noi came out and talked with him with equally empty results.

Finaly Noi left. I was worried about her driving back alone. She called me when she got to her ex-husband's place to say that she was OK.

At that instant I was very angry at Uan. At the time I suspected that Noi was sleeping at her ex-husbands home and came out to see me, and somehow Uan found out she had left and followed her to my place and came in.

Now, haveing reflected on the events, I am more sympathetic to him. I do not know where Noi sleeps at night. She told me she was at her ex-husbands place but perhaps she was at Uan's home. Perhaps, likely, she has been sleeping with Uan for a while. When she talked to me Uan heard the conversation and knew that she was coming to my place. Curious, jealous, he came to my place also. Hearing the sounds through the front window next to the bed, he opened the door and looked in. The poor schmuck was being cuckolded.

Monday morning I think I saw them on a motorcycle; it was not Noi's motorcycle, it was Uan in the front, and I think it was Noi on the back. That would make it likely that she slept with him Sunday night (having lied about where she was in the second phone call). Maybe he was mad enough to "ground" her; take her red motorcycle away so that she has to ride around with him and not on her own.

Uan is not assertive. He has never stood up to me, he has never claimed Noi as his own. If he had, of course, I would back off. That night he acted exactly like a jealous boyfriend; like a scared jealous boyfriend. If true, that would make him a boyfriend and I should not try to make love to Noi in the future. But, oh well, whatever.

In retrospect, it is important to learn where the lady sleeps before you make love to her.


Noi worked her way back into my good spirits. But then she started spending time elsewhere. I would come home at 5pm, and she would show up at 6. She would ask "What do you want to eat?". I would say something, and she left to go buy it. A half hour later she came back, dumped my dinner in a bowl, and said "I go visit my friend named At. OK?" Of course I said "OK". I would eat and shower and go to bed. about 10 or 11 Noi would show up. I got to see her every night, for about 15 minutes total. But she still chose to sleep upstairs, by herself.

Noi had been pissing me off every night for six months or so. Noi is fantastic when she plays, but if she's not playing near me then it doesn't matter how fantastic she is. Whoever it was she wanted to spend every evening with, that person apparently worked daytimes. I don't know what she was doing with him, I don't really care, but she wasn't spending time with me.

One night I got myself stranded in the Mahsarakham bus terminal. I was there all night, from midnight until dawn. I was going to Banphai, and there were no buses availlable. I slept a bit, and I thought a bit. I thought a lot. It became clear to me that I wished Noi would not be there when I got to Banphai. She had pissed me off, often enough, that I just hoped I did not see her.

Now I believe that it is immoral to dump your lady for some other lady you like better. I believe that it is immoral to dump your lady just because you think that you'll find somebody better. But when life gets to the point where you'd rather have nobody at all than her, that's when it's about time to say "Good-bye".

I was very afraid of what Noi might do. I got to Banphai that morning and she was not at home. Just as I was leaving she pulled up. I asked her for her keys, and she gave them to me, perhaps thinking that I wanted to ride her motorcycle. As she walked up to the house, I took the house key off of her key chain. I opened the door to the house. Then I handed her her keychain with no housekey on it, and I handed her a wad of money. I said something like "Here is eight thousand baht. You and me are broken up." Of course I had to say it all in Thai; she never bothered to learn English. I made the Thai gesture for divorce - hold the index finger of each hand next to each other, then move them apart. I turned and walked away. As she was going in to the house, and I was on my motorcycle already, I called out to her again "Andy and Noi are finished."

She got her friend, her ex-husand 'So', to call me over. I explaned that Noi and I were finished. I like So, we get along fine except that he speaks only Thai and he speaks far too much of it. But he understood and I am sure that he made she understand.

A couple of times that day, she phoned me and said "I can not get into the house; I have no key!" I said "Yep", laughed, and hung up. Finally, in the evening, she called and said "I have no key. I want to get my clothes!" I said "Your son works at Highway Hotel. He has a key. Go talk to him." At that instant she realized that she had been locked out of the house all day due to her own stupidity; her son had a key all that time.

That evening Noi and her son and daughter and So and other friends appeared with a pickup truck and hauled away all her stuff. I said that she could whatever she felt was hers; I would not fight over it. She took everything that was in the kitchen; the silverware, the dishes, the cabinet, the stove, the kitchen table, everything. She took everything from her room upstairs. Everything from her son's room upstairs was also gone, naturally. He could not stay there after his mother left.

I have said "Hello" to many women; that means that I have said "Goodbye" to many women. I was surprised at how incredibly easy it was to break up with Noi. I expected several days of crying and screaming. But nothing like that happened. I was not condemned by anyone; indeed, everyone but her immediate family said that I'd finally gotten around to doing the right thing. I suspect that Noi was, once again, screwing around with some other man, and that the community consensus was that Noi just got what she deserved. Certainly if she had the hots for some other man, she would not be broken-hearted about losing me. So she was not as hurt as she would have been if she'd been loyal to me, and she was not in a position to bring down any righteous condemnation on my head. I got out of it easy.

I got out of it cheap. I paid her 8,000 baht when I threw her out. I normally paid her 5,000 baht per month, plus 1,000 baht per week to buy food for both of us. So she got just about one month's support, in cash, as alimony. Considering that we'd been together for about a year and a half, that's not a lot. If she were an emplyee, Thai law would require me to pay her more than that.

Noi is sexy. She likes sex. She likes to play. She is very good at playing. She cleaned the house every day. She washed clothes every day. She was no good at English, she didn't like to cook. She would never have children again.


noiFive months later I was walking in Banphai to go catch the bus to Bangkok. Noi rode past on her motorcycle, stopped, and asked me why I didn't call her for a ride. It told her that I did not want to make her boyfriend angry. She said "I have no boyfriend." So I got on the bike and she took me to the bus company office. As we waited for the bus Noi worked hard at showing me how well she can kiss when she wants to. I thought about cancelling the trip, but I went anyway.

Well, I went to Bangkok to check out a few ladies, but nothing clicked. When I came back to Banphai, Noi came over and was obviously interested in me. This time I made extra effort to find out if she had a boyfriend. I asked her ex-husband, with whom she shares two children, and who ought to know, and he said that she has no boyfriend. I even asked her daughter and she confirmed. So Noi and I started up again.

Many times I would phone her at 6 AM and ask her where she slept last night. Sometimes she says "I slept at So's house last night." When she says that, I can go over to So's house and ask him if Noi slept there the night before. He has confirmed it, yes. If she's screwing somebody else, she is not sleeping with the guy every night.

On the other hand she's not sleeping with me at all. She told me a sad tale about maybe losing her motorcycle because she can't keep up the payments. So I feed her a little money to help; five hundred baht maybe twice a week. At one point she asked "How much money are you going to give me every month?" and I said "I'm not going to give you money every month. Whenever I feel like giving you money I'll give you money." Right now I don't want to sign any sort of contract with her.

Thailand gives you the freedom to be weird. For a while I was sleeping with Chaliew but not screwing Chaliew, while I was screwing Noi but not sleeping with Noi.


Noi pulled the same old shit that she always did. Eight months ago she would go away in the evening and not come back until ten or eleven. Now she goes away in the evening and does not come back at all, even when - especially when - she says she will come back. Something comes up, whether it's whiskey to drink or a man to screw or her nineteen year old baby boy wanting her to rescue him from some screw-up of his.

She got a job working 6PM to 6AM in a gas station, cleaning the ladie's restroom. One night at 8pm I went out there and she was thrilled to see me. The next night at 5am I went out there and she was gone. The cleaning lady said that Noi had gone home at midnight. I telephoned Noi and she said that she was at the gas station working. I knocked on the door of her ex-husbands house where she used to sleep and he said that she was at work. I don't know who she was with from midnight until dawn, but it wasn't me and it wasn't her children. She lied about it, so I must conclude that it is someone she doesn't want me knowing about, which of course makes it significant. Damn! So "good-bye" again.

The evening of November 5, 2008, she phoned me. She asked if I wanted a lady. I said that I had no money to give her. She said that the next day she would leave for Phuket in the south of Thailand. She's been talking for months about working down there. I guess her Banphai boyfriend(s), (including me), did not work out. The way she plays games and tells stories, I can see how things would not work out. She hides things, and eventually you have to assume the worst about what she's hiding. So I guess she'll be going. The phone went with her; I'll call her some time to see if she's OK. But I won't be able to believe what she tells me. I probably won't even be able to understand what she tells me. That's Noi.

I play a little game with Wing. I put a cloth over his head and say "Bye-bye!" He pulls it off and I say "Hello!" and he laughs.   Noi is like that. Hello! Bye-bye! Hello! Bye-bye! Hello! Bye-bye!

Her nickname is "น้อย" ("Noi"). Her formal name is "กัญญนันทน์ ฐิตวิเชียร์วุฒิ".

The great thing is that Noi is very sexy. The bad thing is that Noi is very sexy with half the men in the province.

In the soring of 2014 Noi cane by my house. I don't know where Chaliao was at the time; I was alone, She showed me yellow-purple marks on her arms, on her legs, all over her bady. She told me that somebody had beaten her up. From the severity, I figured it was a man. And, knowing Noi, I knew why he did it. Sh'd been screwing some guy, and he caught her screwing some other guy. So he caught her in infidelity, and beat the crap out of her.

Tat's just the way Noi is - she's got a hot twat. So I said to her "You know that, whatever happens, I will never hit you." She cried, we hugged, and pretty soon the clothes came off and I made love to her. That was what she needed; she felt safe in my arms.